5 Things I’ve Learned in Social Work School

It’s come to my attention that people like lists. What else could explain that existence of (and my not-so-secret addiction to) buzzfeed.com? So in the spirit of small, easily digestible pieces of information, I present:

5 Things I’ve Learned in Social Work School

1)      Everything will get done. Somehow.

Over the past year and a half that I have looked over my to do list and told myself that there is no way I’m going to get everything done an untold number of times. The sensation is familiar enough that I’d estimate it happens at least once a week. But despite the familiar feeling in reality I have never once ended up not accomplishing my goals. Yes, I’ve asked for and received extensions on deadlines. Yes, I’ve pulled an all-nighter or two. Yes, I’ve skipped a social event here or there. These are all things I’d prefer not to do again. But in the end everything on those seemingly so overwhelming to do lists was accomplished.

2)      Your calendar is your best friend.

When you have a million things to do part of the magic of accomplishing everything “somehow” is to have all those things listed in one place. Whether you buy one or make one, use your phone, Google calendar, or a good old-fashioned day planner, get yourself a calendar and use it everyday.

3)      School is one thing. Education is another.

I started my MSW nine years after completing my bachelor’s degree. At the time, I was ecstatic at the idea of returning to school. And it’s been a great experience. However, the one thing that has become overwhelmingly obvious through my return to formal schooling is this. I make have graduated from college, but my education never ended. Being in graduate school makes it plain that life in and of itself is an education. Further, the field practice based nature of social work education serves to emphasis this reality.

4)      You can’t save anyone and that’s not your job anyway.

Speaking of education based on life experience. Many people enter the so-called “helping professions” such as social work with the expectation that they will “help people”. I suppose “helping people” means different things to different people, but I have noticed a pattern among my classmates throughout our time in school. Many of us entered school thinking that our mere presence and goodwill would better or even “fix” our clients’ lives. Through our internships two things have become clear. One, our clients don’t want us to fix them or their lives. Two, it’s not our job to judge or decide what constitutes a better life for our clients.

5)      Playtime is essential.

Yes, you have a lot to do. Yes, you are responsible to many people; clients, bosses, professors, supervisors. But if you’re going to get it all done, you need to be at your best. That means taking a break and having some fun. Do your thing. Whether it be running, dancing, painting, video games, sitting in the park, yoga, or something else, bust out that calendar and schedule in some playtime. So that you really can and will get it all done, somehow.

To be or not to be...out at work

Two years ago I worked as a waiter at a restaurant and on my first day I heard one of the staff say "fag." Needless to say, I was not out at that job.  I had already been out as gay for 3 years by then and thought I had bypassed the self-loathing and internalized shame that LGBTQ people often experience. Wrong!  All it took was one scathing word to make me feel uncomfortable and ashamed of who I was. Unfortunately, this is a situation that many LGBTQ encounter in their professional lives.  What do we do in a work environment that is not LGBTQ-friendly?

When I heard "fag" I immediately felt unsafe to be out.  As a result, I kept my distance from my co-workers.  I didn't allow them to get too close so they wouldn't find out who I really was.  That was one reason I decided not to come out.  I also simply didn't want to be the token "gay guy" at work.  I didn't want to be treated differently for better or for worse.  At the time it felt  "easier" to let my coworkers believe I was straight because then I wouldn't have to feel afraid or uncomfortable as I would if I had come out.  Wrong again!  Looking back, I realize that I was just as afraid and uncomfortable for hiding.  

If you're on the fence about coming out or not at work, perhaps the first thing to do is ask yourself what it means for you to be out.  Maybe being out as LGBTQ has great importance and you want others to know who you are.  Alternatively, your LGBTQ identity may be personal or less salient, in which case your sexual orientation isn't anyone's business or doesn't matter!  You also might consider cues in your work environment that it is safe to be out.  Review your organization’s diversity plans and workplace policies that protect you.  Are these policies put into practice?  Had that staff member said "fag" in front of my manager without repercussions, I would assume that the restaurant did not enforce its policies and maybe I had good reason not to be out.  Perhaps some of you might even take social action and report such an incident of anti-LGBTQ behavior in the workplace, thereby empowering yourselves within a homophobic environment.

What if you're already out at work, but still feel uncomfortable?  It can be frustrating to be the minority and feel like the odd man out.  A transgender woman working with mostly gay men might feel awkward and formulate a bottomless pit of false assumptions her coworkers must have of her.  Keep your faulty assumptions in check by identifying your negative self talk and replace them with healthier beliefs.  Yes, you may be the only transgender employee at work, but is that all you have to offer?  I doubt it!  Spend time identifying your strengths.  You might just find that others will see them too and perceive you less as the token transgender employee.    

Being LGBTQ is not always an easy situation to navigate at work, especially if you’re still coming to terms with your sexual orientation.  There's no one answer.  We all have different work environments that make it easier or more difficult to be ourselves.  Like many crossroads in life, we must make an educated decision that may be very different from the person in the cubicle next to us.

Check out Out and Equal's New York Chapter for LGBTQ employee resources!

Truly Known

A large part of the work that I do as a therapist involves helping my clients get to a greater space of personal authenticity.  This theme encompasses not only increased honesty and disclosure with people in their lives, but in turn, also with themselves.  It seems, in this age of saving face and social pressure, we are always one façade behind ourselves.  So much is taboo; so much is left unuttered, unspoken, unconscious.  With this social dynamic at play, it is no surprise that so many people come into therapy feeling unseen, unheard, and alone!  While I’m not proposing over-transparency or unfiltered TMI moments, what I am suggesting is a greater willingness to share our emotional selves with those close to us, and thus, a greater acceptance and acknowledgment of our own inner experience.

Ultimately, a commitment to living one’s truth can have a profound effect on our mental and emotional states.  After all, when we hide our more vulnerable thoughts and feelings from others, what are we implicitly saying to ourselves?  In my opinion, anything we keep from those around us is at risk of being relegated to a space in our heads – and bodies – that is shameful, fearful, and anxiety provoking.  In this complex song and dance of public and private, it can become tricky to decipher what we’re keeping from whom and why, and our secrets from the world can become our own greatest sources of distress and anguish.  Taking the plunge in our relationships can sometimes be the first step to breathing more freely and easily.  When it comes down to it, the more of ourselves we put into a relationship, the more possibility there is to hold a greater piece of the other person and develop increased trust, intimacy, and fulfillment – the more possibility there is to be truly “known.” 

Though sharing pieces of ourselves that are risky or sensitive may feel counterintuitive, if we cultivate the practice intentionally, we may be surprised at the newfound ease, comfort, axnd connectedness we feel with those around us, and in turn, the greater oneness we feel with ourselves.  While the whole “honesty is the best policy” shtick may not be all it’s cracked up to be, every now and again, maybe it is!

Perfect Is Only A Word In the Dictionary

The other day I was measuring a wall in my apartment for a triptych of photos I had shot a while back and finally got around to framing. Once everything seemed to be in place, I re-measured and discovered the photos were a half-inch too far to the right. (Gasp!) Normally, I would have redone the whole procedure until everything was exactly where it “should” have been. This time, however, I left it – but not without a bit of internal struggle. Part of me said, “You have to fix it,” while the other part said, “It doesn’t have to be perfect. No one will notice anyway.” My better judgment won, and I was able to accept something I always thought to be purely intolerable. The photos didn’t lose any aesthetic quality by hanging slightly off center, and it got me thinking about the bigger picture: it’s okay not to be perfect.

How many different facets of our lives does the concept of perfection infiltrate? We always seem to be after the perfect job or body, or apartment, or relationship. What we have and the way in which we do things never seem to be enough, and there always appears to be a better or “right” way. Well, the “right” way, or supposed perfection, is society’s norm, more often than not comprised of unattainable standards and traditional concepts. To not be perfect means you are living up to your own ideals, not someone else’s. To not be perfect means you’re doing what works for you, not what you think works for others.

If you think about it, there is no one true definition of “perfect,” because for the most part, everyone has their own idea of what perfect is to them. A relationship considered perfect for one person may be considered another’s worst nightmare. People’s interests vary, and a job in finance may not be considered ideal for a person interested in the arts.

So if your outfit isn’t flawlessly put together, or you don’t have that amazing job, or that chic apartment (with the evenly hanging photographs!) – not to worry; you are still you, and that is enough.

A Valentine's Reflection

Valentines day, a day set aside to appreciate our partners. While not all couples choose to celebrate this day, I think it is safe to say that the average single person resents this day and dreads its arrival—I know I do.  When we are single it is easy to feel like we have failed at love because, on this day set aside for love, we are alone.

The risk singles face on Valentines Day, surrounded by red hearts and romance, is feeling that we failed in some way.  We failed to find love by February 14^th, a day for romance, love, and affection.   As a result of feeling sad, we run a risk of reminiscing on past loves, questioning why we are no longer with them, wondering if we made the right choice or a terrible mistake.  While some of us think about the past, others may think about the Valentines Day they never had, the crushes they shied away from, and the dates that went nowhere. 

So what do we do if we find ourselves single and sad on this day?  Well, it is important to remember, and ask yourself, why is February 14^th different than any other day on the calendar?  Why is it any less special to spend this day with your friends and family instead of a significant other, why do you need a partner for this day to be meaningful? If you ask yourself these questions, and you are still upset that you are alone, now is a great time to take steps on changing your single status.  Now is a great time to make your thoughts, and sadness, on being single constructive.  You can use these thoughts to push you to attend more social events, take a few risks with online dating, meet new people, or even to get that new haircut you have been meaning to get for months but haven’t gotten around to.

So, if you found yourself dreading Valentines Day, or getting sad about its arrival, Remember, February 14^th is just like any other day, a day to grow, fulfill our dreams, and enjoy the life we have.  So lets use Valentines Day, to make ourselves more desirable, and maybe, if successful, we can use this day to take a step towards loving ourselves just a little bit more.